A Question of Life or Death

The "Squirrelinator"

Is it ethical to shoot a ground squirrel who eats your grapes? When you're driving down the road alongside your property and you see that same grape-eating squirrel in the road is it ethical to run him over with your car? Who decides what lives and what dies? Who decides who lives and who dies? Isn't this a question for God? By taking the life of a squirrel is there a slippery slope to a hell where giants 100 feet tall are constantly trying to stomp me?

When A Dog Catches Gopher That's Like a Guy Catchin' What?

Intelligence photograph depicts
enemy infiltration. Source: CIA

Despite the Obama Administration's intensified drone strikes, the Gopher-ban regrouped during the winter and formed an alliance with the Paka-Squirrelies (aka "Squirrels") to launch a spring offensive discovered in the Tempranillo zone by local intelligent assets on the ground.  The Squirrel-tribe possesses biological weapons of mass destruction including rabies virus and plague virus. Intelligence photographs of the site show enemy penetration threatening soft targets. A person of interest code-named "Mr. Gopher" was identified. Assets were deployed to render, capture or eliminate said Mr. Gopher "with extreme prejudice."

Assigned to the mission was a canine asset code-name "Bluey." When I gathered the tools I would use for the mission (a shovel, gopher trap, and latex gloves to protect me from the biological viruses), Bluey became as excited as a marine on leave walking through a red light district. We studied the photographs and set our traps where we expected Mr. Gopher to strike. Day 1, Mr. Gopher approached target, found our trap and disarmed it. Day 2, Mr. Gopher found our reset trap and disarmed it. Day 3, Bluey went on reconnaissance to the trap area, took up position and waited as I went on a search and destroy mission in the area to clear out enemy combatants (namely Mr. Mildew, an ally of the Gopher-ban).

"Bluey" waiting for "Mr.
Gopher." 

When I returned to the Tempranillo block I saw Bluey with a prisoner, taken alive. To my surprise, it was a member of the Squirrel tribe and not Mr. Gopher. Since Abu Ghraib, we've been cautious about photographing enemy combatants and their treatment.  To protect his cover and recriminations from  ACLU lawyers, Bluey was sent back to his handler and I dealt with the prisoner, who now, according to his faith, is surrounded by a harem of squirrel virgins in heaven, while his earthy, headless remains have been shoveled into the squirrel caves, as a warning to other squirrels who would trespass on our lands, steal our grapes, steal our avocados and dare align themselves with the Gopher-ban and organize safe havens for rattlesnakes.

When you take a dog out to hunt gopher and you catch a squirrel, that's a pretty good day.

Once a dog has tasted gopher, he's just a guy out hunting for pussy.

Ground Squirrel Trapping

Yet another half-eaten prized "Bacon" avocado lay at the entrance of its home. Adding insult to injury, the squirrel had eaten the avocado we left for him in the trap, leaving behind the nut. He ate it from the outside, without venturing in. This calls for an escalation of techniques: I placed the half-eaten delicacy on the ground, with the trap over it. That way, the rodent will not be able to reach it and pull it to the side; he must go inside to nibble.

(One week later, Dec. 8th)
The avocado meat at the bottom of the cage is gone. Just the skin remains. We're dealing with one, clever fellow here. We gave a bag of lemons to our neighbor the other week, who returned the lemons as a delicious "lemon jam." I will spread that on some toast and see how that works for bait.

(December 23rd, 2007): Public enemy #1 is still at large, with another victim (a stripped avocado nut) by the hole. A new tactic: this guy is located by avocados, and I have taken an orange from another part of the vineyard. I have dog a hole for the orange two inches deep, and placed it in the ground, peeled, with the trap on top, with the peelings making a path from the squirrels home to the center of the trap. Merry Christmas, Mr. Squirrel!

Will we not catch this squirrel before he eats all the remaining avocados? Will we need to call in a terminator to deploy dynamite and flame-throwers? In a weak moment, will we let the squirrel live free, but by doing so, unleash bubonic plague in San Diego County?